The following "carefully worded" statements on insurance forms were penned by drivers who were asked to briefly summarize accident details:
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * I collided with a stationary car going the other way. * A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. * A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision,and I did not see the other car. * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. * I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road.I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. 3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 4. Hi. Now you say something. 5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 7. Hello! If you leave message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner! 8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 11. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. 14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Drei Hexen schauen sich drei Swatch Uhren an. Welche Hexe schaut welche Swatch Uhr an?
Und nun das Ganze in englisch!
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watch which swatch watch?
2. Englisch für Fortgeschrittene: (advanced english)
Drei geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexen schauen sich drei Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an. Welche geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexe schaut sich welchen Swatch Uhrenknopf an?
Das Ganze wieder in englisch!
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
3. Englisch im Endstadium: (at the end)
Drei Schweizer Hexen-Schlampen, die sich wünschen geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein, schauen sich schweizer Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an. Welche schweizer Hexen-Schlampe, die sich wünscht geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein, schaut sich welche schweizer Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an?
...das ganze in Englisch:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doing well ... only two left."
Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!'
If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No..'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
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